Can you give me suggestion on these lyrics? What you'd change? Do they make sense?
Look At Us
Verse 1 4 o’ clock train crossing by looking inside at life passing Do they realize where they're going to?
Lady in stripes bites her lip Man holding flask sneaks a sip Girl dressed in black lost behind her hair
Chorus look at us just along for the ride look at us so numb inside look at us lonely stranger that hides avoiding the pain
look at us just along for the ride look at us so lost inside look at us lonely stranger that hides watching this life passin', passin' passin' passin' us by
Verse 2 5 o' clock, home flip through bills You get the kids time alone I flop on the couch then I search for news
Justice looks fair through camera 3 Radio host hypocrisy President so brave in backdrop realities
Chorus look at us just along for the ride look at us so numb inside look at us lonely stranger that hides avoiding the pain
look at us just along for the ride look at us so lost inside look at us lonely stranger that hides watching this life passin', passin' passin' passin' us by
Chorus
(gtr solo during first part)
look at us just along for the ride look at us so lost inside look at us the stranger that hides watching this life passin', passin' passin' passin' us by
outro(This is a round of voices just melodically swirling singing these lines) watching this life time rolling by Hoping I'm not just wasting the ride.
copyright 2006SteveHanlon
I feel I'm a bit in 2nd verse hell. Not sure where to take it for verse 2. Kind of don't want to say the same thing but in different words. The person sitting in the car watching the train pass in the 1st verse, I'd like to continue the story but I'm not sure if the 2nd verse is any good. Any ideas?
My initial reaction to the verse 2 thing - maybe have him almost get home, but the sameness of the situation overwhelmes him as he realizes he's playing the same game as the people he wondered about on the train?
From my reading, I get the inpression that this guy is at the point where he got just a peek behind the curtain, and finds that the monotony of life is doing seveal things - robbing people of time, robbing people of their joy, and forcing them into a herd mentality that is ultimately robbing them of their self expression. For some, it's just sad. For others, possibly dangerous. The man sneaking a hit at the flask is playing a dangerous game looking for answers in drink, and the girl in black could be either a high society lady lost in callousness and appearences or a scared teenager literally 'lost' and hiding behind her hair. Either way - she's got a problem.
So I wonder if in verse 2 which way he will go - does he simply go through his own version of the same thing and not realize it (by going through the motions at home), does he get home and finally realize that he's doing it toward the end of the verse, does he almost get home and it hits him like a ton of bricks (and if it does, how does he react - flee, break down, etc...), or is there some other outcome, perhaps happy and uplifting, perhaps creepy, that happens?
If the theme is what is hinted at in the first verse and explained in the chorus, going back to the same well in the second verse may not do it the justice it deserves.
Of course, it's your song so it should say whatever you want it to. Take my opinion for what it is - just some other guy's opinion. The lyrics certainly hit me and put a specific mood in my head (as is obvious by my blathering on), so you did your job.
Good lyrics. The 2nd verse does have some issues though-- the first part of it anyway, the 2nd part of it is fine. It seems like the lyrics don't match the tone of the rest of the song. Most of the song conjures images, like snapshots, of brooding discontent and something very bad just below the surface that people are afraid to face. But flipping through the bills and flopping on the couch are images that seem too shallow, ergo, out of place (yes, I said "ergo"). You may be trying to say too much in the limited framework you've set up. Think about the "snapshots" in the 1st verse where you had random images that all tied to the central theme. Now try getting away from the mundane generalities -- of getting home from work, looking at bills, and watching tv, and get into the minute details that really breath life and emotion into the song -- the water stain on the wallpaper, the smell of oil in the garage, the sound of the dishwasher, the crack in the front window that warps the cars as they go by. Make me believe you've been there. Like I said, though: good lyrics. I can't wait to hear the recording!
My feelings were that the guy should discover his life was in the same situation as the people on the train. i tried to get there with the first part of Verse 2. but I totally agree 'flop' and 'flipping' are too broad and the sounds they make don't seem to fit the tone of the song. i was trying to show how his life is mundane, tired and hidden too (like the trian people).
But then I do like part 2 of Verse 2 and they're the scenes this guy sees on TV. But how they relate to the Chorus are kind of saying 'Look how justice and Rush Limbaugh and George Jr.' - misguided schmucks that they are-, are as lost as the people on the train - and they have EVERYTHING in life (materialistically) or they stand for the voice of "reason".
But the prblem is that pulls the story away from the main guy watching the people in the train. And it is just saying the same thing as Verse 1 but different words.
anyway, I'll play with different outcomes as you suggest 820 and I'll try and do deeper details as you suggest BC since verse 1 does give broader stroked images to set the scene. And how it relates specifically to this guy in the car - and hopefully with some surprise outcome.
If he's NOT like those people, then it could be preachy - happy ending - nothing wrong with that. But seems kind of simple and not the direction I want to go.
It would be kind of nice to show how what this guy thought was an 'enlightened' part of his life is really the same game in disguise. Kind of how Mara incarnated differently to trick the Buddha or how the temptations of Christ incarnated differently to tempt him.
For me, the narrator of the piece is not clearly defined and/or detached from the story.
In V1 the reader gets the sense that someone is making these observations from outside of the train. As the chorus begins it is no longer "they" and is now "us."
The narrator had opportunity to establish what these passengers may expect, what thier collective direction will lead to, etc. but became part of the subject matter rather then stay the narrator.
As V2 begins the narrator isn't even the "us" but is now the "I".
If I were looking to make this piece better, that would be the area I would concentrate on because it, for me, gets a tad confusing trying to keep up with who is telling what story about whom.
Thanks, Donna! Yes, it should be 'strangers'. I actually think i had 'strangers' once and for whatever reason during one of my overly cerebral moments I made it singular. and can't for the life of me remember why. But it seems to make more sense plural.
5 o' clock, home stay in my car I see you inside wallpapered dreams Waiting for me to arrive at last ( or 'to arrive some day')
I light up and think of honesty as Lady sings the blues stokes reality I cry out your name as I go away.
I wanted to leave it unclear if he drives away or kills himself. I originally had 'as I blow myself away' but seemed too gross in delivery. Then i tried 'as I drive away'. Then i thought maybe a simple 'go away' could leave us wondering.
Maybe the ending swirl of voices in the outro could hint at what happened.
outro watching this life time rolling by Wanting to not just waste this ride.
Any thoughts about how this plays out? Or any feedback about any of it?
I like this version a lot better. The first part more than the second part, I think. Actually, I found that the general observations and the "us", without the "I" or personal references in the second verse make it easier to relate to the song and its meaning.
It just seems like the more the story focuses on the specific guy and what he does it takes the listener's ability to relate away. If the guy is you, and it's something you are trying to say, I can totally understand that. But if it's supposed to be Everyman, the fact that it is explixitly stated that he cries out her name and "goes away" is maybe too much. At that point I can't relate as a listener. I think and feel all of the stuff in the first verse and the chorus, but the second verse has stuff way beyond me - it loses me.
I do like the fact that it turns out in a dark way, but is there a way to obscure it and let the listener put himself in the story a bit more?
(...and just for the record I happen to disagree with "misguided schmucks that they are", but that's a different thread for a different forum...)
First of all, can't thank all of you enough for your feedback and help. I'm trying to take it all in and some part of me wants the song to be understood and another part of me wants people to fill in their own meaning. So I've got this tug of war going on inside.
Sometimes I just try and paraphrase what I want to say to clarify the message and in the 2nd verse I want to say this:
I'm home. Look at this bland house and relationship I'm in. Whatever happened to the life I wanted I take a deep breath apologize for all those I'll hurt and then move on with my life.
Now that said, I already have the music written to this song. In fact the arrangement is done and I'm just struggling with verse 2 (mostly). I have to try and have it fit a melody I already have. AND to top it off, I keep saying 'he' but it will be sung by a woman and from a 'she' perspective not a he.
Anyway, take a look at this with some minor changes. Can I do this to a Chorus and have it be convincing (Chor. 1 and 2 change personal view)?
Song in a nutshell
Verse 1: People in a trance viewed by narrator Chorus 1: clarifying how the trance is, fear controlling us as our lives pass by Verse 2: Oh ****! Narrator gets home and sees she's doing the same thing Chorus 2: there is no 'Them' and 'Us' we're all doing the same (at different times of our lives perhaps)
Outro: hopefully a message that gets the listener to ask 'Am I living the life I want?"
Along For the Ride (renamed because of Chorus change?)
Verse 1 4 o’ clock train crossing by looking inside at life passing Do they realize where they're going to?
Lady in stripes bites her lip Man holding flask sneaks a sip Girl dressed in black lost behind her hair
Chorus look at them just along for the ride look at them so numb inside look at them lonely strangers that hide avoiding the pain
look at them just along for the ride look at them so lost inside look at them lonely strangers that hide watching this life passin' passin' passin' passin' them by
Verse 2 5 o' clock, home stay in my car See you inside our wallpapered dream Waiting alone for me to arrive
I light up and think of honesty as Billie sings the blues stokes reality I cry out for more as I drive away
Chorus look at us just along for the ride look at us so numb inside look at us lonely strangers that hides avoiding the pain
look at us just along for the ride look at us so lost inside look at us lonely strangers that hides watching this life passin', passin' passin' passin' us by
Chorus
(gtr solo during first part)
look at us just along for the ride look at us so lost inside look at us the strangers that hides watching this life passin', passin' passin' passin' us by
outro (This is a round of voices just melodically swirling singing these lines) watching this life time rolling by Hoping to not just waste the ride.
820, that challenge you gave me of making the verse somewhat nuetral for others to identify with---I'm taking it from your comments, that it did happen in your estimation.
I can't honestly tell because I'm so close to the images and their meanings. I'm not sure when others 'get it' or not.
By the way, this song is intended for Carly Bauer to sing (remember her, AW user in the past). Not sure when she'll get back.
I hear a kind of Averial Lavigne voice on this song - at least the arrangement is somewhat in that direction.
Any others have some comments about this last version? How about compared to the other versions above it?
yes - when I read the lyrics, I am able to indentify with them and see the whole story in my head, without focusing on it as a specific story about a specific guy. Excellent.
)
