Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen Working people struggle with lines they live between Have nots and the haves too many and too few Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose Cover me, I will cover you
Talking to the telephone I sift the evening news It fills up conversation threads me through you Words can burn like gasoline or dignify the truth Shut the mouth that mentions them renders them no use Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl It's a long way back to Jackson a few things left yet to do Cover me, I will cover you
Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen Working people struggle with lines they live between Have nots and the haves too many and too few Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose Cover me, I will cover you
Talking to the telephone I sift the evening news It fills up conversation threads me through you Words can burn like gasoline or dignify the truth Shut the mouth that mentions them renders them no use Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl It's a long way back to Jackson a few things left yet to do Cover me, I will cover you
______________end_______________
Is the picture clear, to you, in this piece?
-- Edited by Jack at 18:20, 2006-11-01
I'd keep it as you you have it with the 'Coverme, I will cover you' at the end of each verse. Hammers that home with the repetition.
The 1st verse seems the clearest to me. 2nd seems kind of disjointed from the first and not too clear how it related to 'Cover me, cover you' theme.
"so I try" part seems it could come after verse 1 - or at least the connection is clear to me, which is why i say that. I agree with J & D that is seems to be a bridge or a lift going into a Chorus.
Sweet Jack, You have already made some great changes to this lyric. I can't wait to hear your music- Deborah
Jack wrote:
October 29, 2006
Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen( Mostly go unseen) { loving- simple suggestion? DJ} Working people struggle with lines they live between {Have nots and the haves }(So few have too much,for the have nots,-to explain) {too many and too few} ( Uh ! I don't know - just trying to help here) Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose ( Survival of the fittest, the unfit can not choose ) "Cover me, I will cover you" (This is truly a Great Line and Title - as only my sweet Jack can do. )
Talking to the telephone I sift the evening news It fills up conversation threads me through you Words can burn like gasoline ( try- like kerosene) or dignify the truth ( -"To dignify ? ) Shut the mouth that mentions them renders them no use ( try-"render them no use" ... * drop the -s-* ) Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl ( please rethink " whirl " ) ( Spin ) ( Spin a Tale ..Yech! Sorry!) It's a long way back to Jackson ( I love this lyric change, good job) a few things (left) yet to do ( you don't need the word "left") Cover me, I will cover you
______________end_______________
Jack, I never would presume to put words in your mouth, please take all my simple suggestions as nothing more than places to look at. Without hearing your wonderful music and melody it is harder to see exactly what you are going for. But yes; these lyrics move me and I think I relate. Strong - Possitive message.
My other reply was - as Steve Hanlon said - Looking for the bridge. And I agree with Steve, don't change the good stuff. I just tend to go fishing now and again.
Also I tried to send you something personal (not on the forums or AW) that I thought might inspire you. It came back undeliverable to Jack @ done by etc. I sent it again to the same address. If this is no longer your personal address, you have mine. Send me yours, and I'll show you mine.
Lots of Love Debbie P.S. I Love to Shoot Too, But not Blanks ! Let me tell you about our trip to Oregon, Wish you were there.
Sweet Jack, I know you aren't psychic. I do hope you can decipher between Jeffrey & i. You have to know that not all that's written is from me! Please say that you do! Lots Of Love, Debbie
SteveHanlon wrote: "so I try" part seems it could come after verse 1 - or at least the connection is clear to me, which is why i say that. I agree with J & D that is seems to be a bridge or a lift going into a Chorus.
Actually it did come as a second verse Steve, thank you for noticing:) I keep moving blocks of text/lines around until I tire or they fit and that seems the most likely position at present.
As it works out it is a V/C-V/C-V/C structure...but the last V/C (that comes after a musical bridge) is more like a lift/pre into the chorus, so you are all correct in your observation. Thanks for everything.
Most of your correctional edifications Debbie, are good, saving a few. After being pelted by hurricanes the past few seasons, watching 24 hour news and getting into the mud sling theme of this election year I think this piece is a reflection on all of that.
So the line "have nots and the haves too many and the few" will most likely remain unchanged. But thanks for your enthusiastic reply:)
Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen Working people struggle with lines they live between Have nots and the haves too many and too few Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl It's a long way back to Jackson A few things left to do Realizing options Not many but a few Cover me, I will cover you
[bridge]
Talking to the telephone I sift the evening news It fills up conversation threads me to you I have never shot a man That is what I came to do Business man said some words Then rendered them no use Cover me, I will cover you
What do ya think about that as a reworking of the tune?
Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen Working people struggle with lines they live between Have nots and the haves too many and too few Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl It's a long way back to Jackson A few things left to do Realizing options Not many but a few Cover me, I will cover you
[bridge]
Talking to the telephone I sift the evening news It fills up conversation threads me to you I have never shot a man That is what I came to do Business man said some words Then rendered them no use Cover me, I will cover you
What do ya think about that as a reworking of the tune?
When i read these words "I have never shot a man That is what I came to do"
The whole song changed for me. I had no idea the song was involving that. Good thing or bad thing? I liked the surprise for sure. Could be subtly prefaced in the subsequent verses? Maybe...with just some kind of double entendres.
What I also did notice was a clearly defined Chorus missing. I'm the last one who thinks you must have A,B or C to make it a good song. But I wonder if, you're not gonna have a full blown chorus, just repeating 'Cover me' part one more time would help to make it stick.
Another thing, that seems small potatoes, was the use of 'whirl'...caught my attention as being a forced rhyme.
I think on a whole if the song now ventures to the killing or the near killing of the person he has come to kill...it will get even more interesting.
I mostly was reading and enjoying the sounds of the words until the bridge...then my mind turned into 'make sense of the story' mode.
Which are you trying for? Choosing one way could help you define your verses a little more to connect them to the bridge more seemlessly.
I agree with Mr. Hanlon. "Whirl" is no good. It's too fluffy a term for what seems so dire a situation. How about instead of "give it a whirl," use "to get back to you, girl." (with the 3 beats coming on get,to,girl). It would fit nicely with the next line and tie in with the last verse.
Pieces of the sunrise go mostly unseen Working people struggle with lines they live between Have nots and the haves too many and too few Hell bent on survival a choice we did not choose Cover me, I will cover you
So I try to understand the ways of this world So I try to make a plan and give it a whirl It's a long way back to Jackson A few things left to do A 3 way split in Mobile My partner cut with two Cover me, I will cover you
Talking on the telephone I sift the evening news It fills our conversation threads me to you I have never shot a man That is what I came to do Saw my 15 minutes On the early morning news Cover me, I will cover you =======================
I think "give it a whirl" lends itself to the, ah...humm, innocence? The character is a little naive.
I suppose if I ever record it and hear how it sounds, that could make me change it.
Thanks Steve, BC for your time and insight.
I'd thank jeff and debbie but I'm still a bit confused over the placement thereof, if ya know what I mean:)
